You Always Have a Choice
Why taking ownership of our needs can change the way we live, love, and relate
There are moments in life when we feel stuck - in a job that drains us, in a relationship that feels one-sided, or in patterns we promised ourselves we’d finally break this year. And in those moments, the most common thought is:
“I don’t have a choice.”
We say it tiredly, sometimes defensively, often from a place of pain.
But what if that isn’t fully true?
What if we always have a choice - not necessarily in what happens to us, but in how we respond, what we pursue, and which direction we take next?
This is the heart of Choice Theory, developed by psychiatrist Dr. William Glasser. It invites us to rethink control, responsibility, and happiness. And in doing so, it offers something many of us desperately need: empowerment.
So what is Choice Theory?
Choice Theory proposes that:
All human behaviour is driven by five core psychological needs:
Love & Belonging - connection, trust, intimacy
Power - autonomy, achievement, respect
Freedom - independence, space to choose
Fun - joy, curiosity, play
Survival - safety, physical needs
These needs exist in all of us, no matter our culture or age - even if we try to bury them beneath responsibility or “being strong.”
Everything you do - every habit, reaction, or decision - is an attempt to meet one or more of these needs.
Even the behaviours you dislike in yourself. Even the behaviours others misunderstand in you.
The “Reality” We Create
Choice Theory also says that we live not in the world as it is, but in the world as we perceive it. Our mind creates what Glasser calls a Quality World - a collection of images, goals, and experiences we believe will fulfil our needs.
When reality supports our Quality World → calm
When reality blocks it → frustration → conflict
That’s why two people can experience the same situation so differently. It isn’t the situation - it’s the meaning each person attaches to it.
Where We Get Stuck
When our needs aren’t being met, we often use what’s familiar - not what’s helpful.
We withdraw instead of asking for support.
We overachieve instead of resting.
We control instead of trusting.
We avoid instead of trying.
We hold resentment instead of communicating.
Not because we’re flawed. But because we’re protecting something tender inside us.
Choice Theory gently reminds us:
“You may not have control over others, but you can always choose how you show up to your own needs.”
How Reality Therapy Helps Us Move Forward
Reality Therapy, based on Choice Theory, isn’t focused on analyzing the past or assigning blame. It asks forward-moving questions:
W - What do you want?
D - What are you Doing?
E - Is it Effective?
P - What’s your Plan?
It invites us to:
Name our needs clearly
Notice the gap between what we want and what we’re doing
Make small choices that align our life better with our needs
It’s not about perfection, it’s about direction.
A Simple Example
If you’re craving connection but continuously shut people out, the therapy doesn’t shame you - it helps you understand that behaviour as protection.
Then it asks gently:
Is this helping you feel connected?
If not, what might help, even a tiny bit more?
The work is compassionate accountability.
Why This Matters for Everyday Life
Because so many of us feel helpless.
We wait for someone else to change.
We wait for circumstances to improve.
We wait for the fear to go away.
We wait for permission to want more.
Choice Theory gives us this reminder:
Your life gets better not when others change, but when you begin choosing differently for yourself.
How to Begin Practicing Choice Theory Now
Here are gentle, real-world ways to apply it:
Ask Yourself: “Which need is hurting right now?”
Lonely? Powerless? Stuck?
Identify the underlying need instead of focusing on the symptom.
Shift from blame to ownership
Instead of: “They never listen.”
Try: “What can I do to express myself differently?”
Ownership is not self-blame - it’s self-leadership.
Make one actionable choice each day
Not big leaps - just aligned steps.
If you need belonging: send one message to someone you trust
If you need freedom: take 10 minutes to do something for you
If you need fun: explore something that sparks curiosity
Tiny choices compound into life shifts.
Untangle the past from the present
You may have needed certain coping patterns once, but that doesn’t mean you need them forever.
Build internal support
Ask yourself:
If I were looking out for me, what would I encourage myself to do next?
Be the person who doesn’t abandon you.
A Little Something
You are not stuck because you’re incapable. You are stuck because your needs are asking for attention.
And when you learn to meet those needs, not through fear or habit, but through choice, life begins to feel like something you’re living, not enduring.
If there’s something in your life that feels heavy right now, try asking:
What do I really need here?
And what is one small choice that moves me toward it?
Not a perfect choice, not a brave choice, just a compassionate one - for the person you are becoming.
Because the moment you remember you have a choice, you begin reclaiming your power to shape your own reality.
You don’t need permission or certainty, you just need that one small next step.
One choice at a time, you can build a life that feels like yours again.
