When You Don't Feel Like Yourself Around Certain People

Have you ever left a conversation and thought, "Why am I like this around them?"

Not necessarily because the conversation went badly. Sometimes nothing particularly wrong happened.

You just noticed that you were quieter than usual. Or more agreeable. Or more careful about what you said.

Maybe you laughed at something you didn't actually find funny. Maybe you said yes when you wanted to say no. Maybe you spent the entire conversation thinking about how you were coming across instead of actually being present. And then you got home and felt strangely tired.

I've always found these moments interesting, because sometimes the most useful information isn't what someone said to us.

It's who we become when we're around them.

We don't behave the same way with everyone

Think about the people you feel most comfortable with.

You probably don't rehearse your responses. You don't spend much time wondering whether you've said the right thing.

You can be quiet without worrying that something is wrong. You can change your mind.

You can disagree. You can be a little annoying, a little silly, a little tired.

You don't have to manage yourself quite so carefully. And then there are other relationships where you become much more aware of yourself.

You start monitoring.

What should I say?

How should I respond?

Did that sound okay?

Should I explain that?

Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

It's a very different way of being.

Sometimes the relationship isn't the only explanation

It's tempting to immediately decide that someone is "bad for us" when we don't feel like ourselves around them.

Sometimes that's true, but I don't think it's always that simple.

Sometimes a person is touching an insecurity we already carry. Sometimes the dynamic reminds us of an earlier relationship.

Sometimes we're afraid of disappointing them. Sometimes we've simply fallen into an old role with them.

The people around us can bring out different versions of us, and not every version is necessarily false, but some versions are more comfortable than others.

The roles we fall into

Most of us have roles we've become familiar with.

The easygoing one. The responsible one. The funny one. The peacemaker. The one who doesn't need anything. The one who keeps everyone happy.

We can slip into these roles without consciously choosing them. And sometimes, we don't even realise we're doing it until we notice how different we feel afterwards.

Maybe the question isn't, "Why am I behaving differently?"

Maybe it's, "What do I feel I need to be around this person?"

That's a slightly different question, and sometimes it tells us a lot.

Pay attention to how you feel afterwards

I've started thinking that the aftermath of an interaction can tell us something.

Not every tiring conversation means something is wrong. Sometimes we're just tired.

But if you repeatedly leave certain interactions feeling small, tense, overly self-conscious, or as though you've been performing for an hour, it might be worth paying attention.

Especially if you notice that you rarely feel like you can simply relax and be yourself.

Our bodies and emotions sometimes notice these things before we have words for them.

You don't have to become a different person

I don't think the answer is to behave exactly the same way with everyone.

We're naturally different in different relationships. We adjust. We learn. We become more careful in some situations and more playful in others. That's normal.

The question is more about whether there is enough room for you in the relationship.

Can you disagree?

Can you say no?

Can you admit you don't know?

Can you have a difficult day?

Can you say what you actually think without immediately worrying about what it will do to the other person?

Those small things matter.

Sometimes noticing is enough

We don't always need to make a big decision the moment we notice something.

We don't need to label the relationship. We don't need to confront anyone.

Sometimes it's enough to notice.

"I seem to become very quiet around this person."

"I notice I apologise a lot here."

"I don't really say what I think."

"I feel exhausted after we spend time together."

That information is worth having. What we do with it can come later.

A little something

I think we spend a lot of time asking whether the people in our lives are good for us.

Perhaps it's also worth occasionally asking a different question:

Who do I become when I'm with them?

Not because we should expect every relationship to bring out the exact same version of us, but because the relationships that matter most should leave some room for us to actually be there.

Not performing. Not managing. Not trying to get it right.

Just being ourselves.