The Question Beneath the Question

A few weeks ago, someone asked me a very ordinary question.

"How have you been?"

Before I answered, I noticed something. My mind immediately started listing everything I'd been doing.

The clients I'd seen. The work I'd finished. The things I'd managed to get through.

It struck me because none of those things actually answered the question. They explained my schedule. Not how I'd been.

Once I noticed it, I started seeing it everywhere.

We often answer with what we've done

Ask someone how they're doing, and it's surprisingly common to hear about work.

Or errands. Or how busy life has been.

We describe our productivity before we describe our experience. Sometimes we don't mention our experience at all.

It's as though somewhere along the way, the question quietly changed.

"How are you?"

Became,

"How useful have you been?"

Or,

"How much have you managed to get done?"

It's easier to talk about doing than feeling

I don't think this happens because people are trying to avoid honesty. I think it's because many of us spend far more time thinking about what we need to do than noticing how we're actually doing.

Productivity is easier to measure, emotions aren't.

It's much simpler to say, "It's been a busy week" than to say, "I've been feeling unsettled." Or, "I've been carrying more than I realised."

Sometimes we don't notice the difference

The interesting part is that these answers can become automatic.

We become so accustomed to describing our lives through tasks and responsibilities that we stop checking in with ourselves altogether.

We know what's on tomorrow's calendar.

We know what's left on our to-do list.

But if someone genuinely asks how we're doing - we have to pause.

Not because we don't want to answer, because we haven't asked ourselves the question in a while.

There's no perfect answer

I'm not suggesting every conversation needs to become deeply emotional.

Sometimes, "I'm good" is enough.

Sometimes, we're in a hurry.

Sometimes, we don't feel like talking.

But every now and then, I think it's worth noticing the gap between what we're asked, and what we automatically answer.

Because sometimes the most honest response isn't about everything you've accomplished. It's about how you've been carrying it all.

A little something

I've been trying to catch myself when someone asks,

"How have you been?"

Not so I can give a better answer. Just so I answer the question that was actually asked.

It's a surprisingly small shift. But every now and then, it reminds me to check in with the one person I forget to ask most often.

Myself.